I believe there’s nothing harder than being alone. Until yesterday, you have functioned as a team with someone. Okay, at least, I thought we were a team, just us two. But we were actually two plus one. But, never mind. When I came home, I had someone to spend my day with. I had someone to whom I could complain about my bad day, and someone to yell even when he wasn’t guilty about anything. And I was always there for him – whenever he needed me. Well, from this perspective, maybe he wasn’t even listening to me – maybe he was thinking about something or someone else. But, I don’t care anymore.
There’s one good thing when bad things happen to you – God sends the right people into your life, so they can help with your pain. People who will help you carry your pain and put some color in your gray life. Maybe a total stranger will appear in your life that will stay with you until you start to see the sun that shines all the time. You feel like everyone notices the warm sun, except you. But, there is she. She appeared in my life like a snowdrop in early spring. She is my angel, my savior, my support. She is always there next to me, physically and mentally. She is always there for me, and my precious child. She is my closest friend and his aunty T.
You, who unfortunately have had similar experiences like mine, know that besides your closest relatives, the others are preoccupied with pitying you. They “worry” how you’ll continue with your life, but they don’t even ask you whether you need something. A word, a sentence, a message, a consolation, or a hug would be enough. And when I think of hugs, I immediately regret I didn’t hug T more. I was feeling so good when she welcomed me in my home, with a big smile on her face. She was so happy, you’d think we hit the jackpot! And she just wanted to see me smile, happy, and with my head up. She just wanted me to overcome my problems.
I just wish to hug her again. I miss my T. I miss her every day. When I was the loneliest – I had her. When I needed nice words – I had her. When I was angry – I had her. Every emotion that I’d express, she’d absorb it like a sponge, at least half of my emotions. Today, I wonder how she managed to do all that stuff. I would never be able to do those things, but she simply could.
The mourning phase lasted shortly, I think. Besides my daily responsibilities, my brain working with light speed worrying about my future, the future of my child, making plans to survive the day and the month, I didn’t feel like doing anything else. Everything I did was encouraged by T. She wanted us to grab cups of coffee together, cook together, go shopping, and eat cookies until we can no more. And one day, while I was driving to the nearest mall, we started to sing loud together in the car. I felt relieved from all the stress, nervousness, dark thoughts, and negative energy.
The next day was Saturday. We got up at 8 o’clock, got ready, and woke up T. And we went on a road trip. We planned to travel 140 km, but we passed 332 km. We drove, stopped, and we looked at horses, cows, and sheep. We continued our road and had a cup of coffee in one small town, then continued to another, and arrived in a third town. We came back home at 10 pm. My angel and T were tired. I was happy!
I finally found my therapy – long drive and music. The loudest music and even louder singing! After the wrong verses, there was long laughing with my T. In my sweetie, I saw again the sparkle in his eyes when he was seeing his mommy happy.
We repeated that day every weekend. Every weekend, we would choose a different location, different roads, new challenges, new kilometers, and new memories worth remembering. My sweetie was every time happier and happier when I would tell him: Get ready your bag, we’re going to sing.” We wouldn’t go anywhere without my T. She was my co-driver. She would give me tissues every time a song upset me. She sang together with me when my favorite song started.
I was sad because I was humiliated. But, after a short period, I was happy to be alone.
The only thing worse than an empty bed is a vacant heart laying in one.