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Waiting for Godot…

We had the most fun this summer! Hot at home, hot outside. We didn’t know where to hide from the heat. We couldn’t afford air conditioning, so the opened windows helped us to survive the noontime.  

7.20 am Saturday. I wake up, and weirdly, Baby is still sleeping. I get up, make a cup of coffee for me, and prepare cereal and milk for Baby while waiting for him to wake up. He has an appointment with his father at 9 am, and he gets to spend the whole day with him. I have a full agenda today – I start at 10.30, and I finish before Baby gets back, around 7 pm. I woke him up, prepared him, and gave him to eat. His bag is ready, we put on his shoes, and we go down to wait at the entrance.

We are waiting. Nobody is coming. Baby starts to ask where he is. I shrug and I say that he will come. We went to the playground next to our building. I wanted to take off his mind while I think about how to tell him that the plan has changed. I knew that he wouldn’t show up. I didn’t even try to get a hold of him. We don’t tell or write the word ‘responsibility’ – you must feel that. We played a lot in the sand, and then I told him that it was time for lunch and that we need to go home. Tears, hugs, questions… we calmed down and went inside. 

What about my plan? How do I get to finish all my responsibilities together with Baby? I don’t have anybody. These are the moments when I desperately need a third person in my life – grandma, granddad, someone close, the closest – someone whom I trust to leave my precious, so I can finish all the responsibilities that are waiting for me and don’t go away.

I don’t want to bother Baby to come with me to the car service and wait while they change the oil, or go to the bazaar with me for buying fruits and vegetables. I don’t want him to stand next to me while I cook, clean the bathroom, or wipe the windows. I want his day to be full of interesting activities. I want him to have a fun weekend. I don’t want him to feel rejected or neglected, but I want someone to give him undivided attention. And no, I don’t exaggerate. As a single mom, I just care about his mental and physical development.

I think about all this stuff while I serve his lunch. We sit at the table – I type on my laptop, and Baby is eating sweet. I see his sad eyes – he feels betrayed. And he doesn’t need me to bother him with my responsibilities. I waited for him to end with his meal, I closed my laptop, and I hugged him tightly! Today is going to be his day – his special day. We sat comfortably in our armchair, and he squeezed into me. The tiredness gets to him, and he falls asleep without even noticing. 

It all can wait, except Baby… after 40 minutes I wake up all stiff – I fell asleep, too. I put Baby in his bed, and I made coffee for me. There is a text message on my phone: “I forgot… I thought that we had a plan for tomorrow…” I could break my phone from the anger and rage I felt.

I rushed to pack snacks and fruits, water and juice, and additional clothes. All I need is Baby to wake up, and we can go, wherever he wants. I ate quickly without an appetite – I just ate, so I won’t be hungry later. I feel nervous, disappointed, and betrayed. Not for me, but my child. I am sorry, son: I will try to make it easier for you until you become strong and learn that there are all types of pains in life. I know that the situation today was hard for you, but I cannot do anything about that. I cannot replace anybody, or beg and convince him how to act.

If he doesn’t feel some stuff in his heart and soul, I cannot do anything about that… My heart hurts for my little one… I hear someone calling “Mom, mommy, where are you?” Hugging and cuddling on the bed with my baby. This is waking up as if in a fairytale. We don’t have this moment in the mornings since we’re in a hurry – I need to be on time at work, and he needs to be on time in the kindergarten. Baby, where are we going today? Let’s go where the elephant, giraffe, crocodile, and tiger live. Let’s feed the little goats and caress the deer. 

He is describing the zoo as if he is reading from a picture book. The sparkle in his eyes is back – the sparkle that I want to see every day until my last breath. That happiness on his face, that behavior of joyful and healthy boy. I succeeded in bettering his mood. I managed to console my little angel and to make his day unforgettable. Everything for you my dearest! Always by your side – I want to be your pillar on which you can always rely. 

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Celebrities who have experienced racism

It is devastating that in 2020 we are witnessing discrimination and even killing of people for the color of their skin. Systemic racism has been catapulted back into the people’s consciousness following the dreadful killings of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor. People all over the world are raising their voices with Black Lives Matter protests.

Some celebrities have experienced racism, too. Read about their situations, and know that you are not alone – we are all fighting against racism. 

In the wake of these cold-hearted murders, many celebrities have finally spoken out and used their social media accounts to send powerful messages about #BlackLivesMatter and demand justice.

So, no matter their ‘celebrity status’, here are the stars that have experienced heartbreaking situations of racial discrimination. 

John Legend

Oscar and Grammy-winning artist opened up about a racist run-in he had experienced together with his wife, the model and cookbook author, Chrissy Teigen, in 2017.

Paparazzi at JFK basically called them monkeys. He felt awful, and he says that black people have dealt with being called monkeys for a long time. He believes that dehumanization has been a method of subjugation and racism of black folks. And, unfortunately, this is not a thing of the past. 

Michelle Obama

Michelle is the first black First Lady of the US. And we must admit that since 2009, she has inspired many people worldwide with her leadership. 

However, after they left the White House in 2017, the author finally opened up about the racial discrimination she received during her husband’s presidency.

Michelle revealed that she people called her an “ape in heels” and that she had a “gorilla face”. These phrases were said by government officials. She was disappointed to learn that even after 8 years of working hard for the country, there are people who will not respect her because of her skin color. 

Barack Obama

Obama made history when he became the first black President of the US. He admitted that even in Hawaii as a kid, he experienced racial discrimination for being a black man.  

When he was 10 years old, a woman didn’t want to share the elevator with him, even though she was going on the same floor as him. Then over time, he has learned that the locks will start going on doors as a black man crosses the street. He believes that people think African-American people are dangerous. And this presumption arises from the cultural and social perceptions that have been served to the people for a long time.

Meghan Markle

In May this year, a video of Markle speaking about her experience with racism reappeared online.

Meghan Markle Reflects on Her Experience With Racism in Resurfaced ...

The video was filmed before her Duchess days in 2012. In the video, she was wearing a t-shirt that said “I won’t stand for racism”, saying that she hoped the world would become more accepting of people in the future. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. 

She is bi-racial, and most people cannot even tell what she is mixed with. So, all the slurs she has heard or the offensive names or jokes, strongly hit her. She even heard someone call her mom the offensive ‘N word’, so she is disappointed by the world, as we all are. 

Serena Williams

She is the best tennis player of this time, but she still has experienced disgusting racial treatment on a few occasions throughout her career.

When she was just 19 years old, she competed at Indian Wells. Serena endured the worst moment of racism in tennis history there. The whole stadium (99% white people) were booing and using racial slurs against her and her family. She won the match against Kim Clijsters, but the world still hasn’t won when it comes to racism. 

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How to be alone: Learning how to enjoy life

I believe there’s nothing harder than being alone. Until yesterday, you have functioned as a team with someone. Okay, at least, I thought we were a team, just us two. But we were actually two plus one. But, never mind. When I came home, I had someone to spend my day with. I had someone to whom I could complain about my bad day, and someone to yell even when he wasn’t guilty about anything. And I was always there for him – whenever he needed me. Well, from this perspective, maybe he wasn’t even listening to me – maybe he was thinking about something or someone else. But, I don’t care anymore.

There’s one good thing when bad things happen to you – God sends the right people into your life, so they can help with your pain. People who will help you carry your pain and put some color in your gray life. Maybe a total stranger will appear in your life that will stay with you until you start to see the sun that shines all the time. You feel like everyone notices the warm sun, except you. But, there is she. She appeared in my life like a snowdrop in early spring. She is my angel, my savior, my support. She is always there next to me, physically and mentally. She is always there for me, and my precious child. She is my closest friend and his aunty T. 

You, who unfortunately have had similar experiences like mine, know that besides your closest relatives, the others are preoccupied with pitying you. They “worry” how you’ll continue with your life, but they don’t even ask you whether you need something. A word, a sentence, a message, a consolation, or a hug would be enough. And when I think of hugs, I immediately regret I didn’t hug T more. I was feeling so good when she welcomed me in my home, with a big smile on her face. She was so happy, you’d think we hit the jackpot! And she just wanted to see me smile, happy, and with my head up. She just wanted me to overcome my problems.

I just wish to hug her again. I miss my T. I miss her every day. When I was the loneliest – I had her.  When I needed nice words – I had her. When I was angry – I had her. Every emotion that I’d express, she’d absorb it like a sponge, at least half of my emotions. Today, I wonder how she managed to do all that stuff. I would never be able to do those things, but she simply could.

The mourning phase lasted shortly, I think. Besides my daily responsibilities, my brain working with light speed worrying about my future, the future of my child, making plans to survive the day and the month, I didn’t feel like doing anything else. Everything I did was encouraged by T. She wanted us to grab cups of coffee together, cook together, go shopping, and eat cookies until we can no more. And one day, while I was driving to the nearest mall, we started to sing loud together in the car. I felt relieved from all the stress, nervousness, dark thoughts, and negative energy. 

The next day was Saturday. We got up at 8 o’clock, got ready, and woke up T. And we went on a road trip. We planned to travel 140 km, but we passed 332 km. We drove, stopped, and we looked at horses, cows, and sheep. We continued our road and had a cup of coffee in one small town, then continued to another, and arrived in a third town. We came back home at 10 pm. My angel and T were tired. I was happy! 

I finally found my therapy – long drive and music. The loudest music and even louder singing! After the wrong verses, there was long laughing with my T. In my sweetie, I saw again the sparkle in his eyes when he was seeing his mommy happy.

We repeated that day every weekend. Every weekend, we would choose a different location, different roads, new challenges, new kilometers, and new memories worth remembering. My sweetie was every time happier and happier when I would tell him: Get ready your bag, we’re going to sing.” We wouldn’t go anywhere without my T. She was my co-driver. She would give me tissues every time a song upset me. She sang together with me when my favorite song started.

I was sad because I was humiliated. But, after a short period, I was happy to be alone. 

The only thing worse than an empty bed is a vacant heart laying in one. 

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When people are afraid of you…

I had a cup of coffee with my friend for the first time since I had parted ways with my partner. I usually meet with my friends in playrooms, quiet cafes, or pastry shops. I choose places with fewer crowds, where I can relax without bothering anyone. Although Baby is a sweet and adorable kid who knows the rules when we aren’t at home, he is just a child, meaning he’s curious about everything!

I told her the news that I am a single mom now from recently, and she listened to me with disbelief, impatiently waiting to ask me how I am. “Great,” I responded to her. She was confused and asked me again, “Tell me, please, how are you?” I gave her the same answer – great. And she knows very well that I don’t act and I am brutally sincere for the world and me. “I feel amazing, why don’t you believe me? I would share with you any emotions associated with the situation, but you can see me – I look beautiful, nice, with a smile on my face, and full of life!” Inside everything is the same.

The lump in the throat I used to live with is gone. I can now breathe freely; I can talk without feeling anxiety inside me. My heart is full of love for Baby and that’s more than enough! Now, I am not just a mother, but I am a mother, lioness, and his whole world. For him, and above all for me, I will fight until my last breath. After everything has happened, I had the option to be as everyone expected me to be – sad and desperate. People still expect some terrible reactions from me. But I chose to be what I am now.

Description: woman spreading arms near body of water

Young girl with a baby. A girl with plans, ideas, and dreams. A girl who desires to experience and try everything unattainable so far for her. Once, when I was thinking that the anger would get to me and I could make some stupid thing, I stopped and went to take a shower with the hottest water possible for more than 40 minutes. I think that my body was burning and my soul was burning even more. The tears flowed faster than the water; my eyes were hurting from the tears.

I got out of the shower and I stood in front of the mirror. Naked person. My soul was naked. I talked with that person in the mirror. I believed in her that he won’t give up and I wanted to hear what she has to tell. The same person had two options – to cry, to grieve, to be furious and disappointed, to be angry and nervous, and end up on sedatives and inability to take care of Baby, or she could sit down and write what she has inside her.

She could see again her qualities, learn to respect herself, and walk in front of everything until she gets to a safe place where she could relax with Baby. I did the same, and I have concluded something – it’s the easiest to decide to stand firmly on your decision when you know who you are, and how much you are worth. 

That lifted me from the disappointment I experienced, and disrespect from the person I least expected. And for the action that made me succumb…for a moment! 

The belief in me, in Baby, in life, and above all in God, that has always protected me, it made me what I am today. I am happy alone, and inside me. 

She just watched me and couldn’t believe my words… “What bravery,” she said silently. “You have so much power, and you’re so strong! I admire you and I envy you. Well done.” 

It isn’t easy to tell these things to people, because after they hear your story, they run away from you as if they are running away from fire! They know subconsciously that when they do me some wrongs, I can live without them. I can easily turn away and continue with my life as if they never were part of it. 

Nobody thinks for his or her actions and if there is a reason to hurt me or whether I deserve. I often forgive, I try even to forget. We are humans, we all make mistakes. But the beauty after the mistake is the art to know how to apologize from your heart and to show that the mistake wasn’t intentional.  

People are afraid of mentally strong women. But they don’t know that their strength comes from being tested by life’s unpredictability. They would be lucky to have such a woman in their lives! These women are prepared for every fight life throws at them!  

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