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Waiting for the traffic lights…

Do you know the feeling when you desperately want to catch all the traffic lights in red? Well, I felt like that yesterday. It was a regular autumn day. 7.10 pm, it was pouring outside, while ballads were playing on the radio. Baby sleeps in his seat. He adores driving and rain. He knows how to enjoy life. He has a gentle soul – he’ll be a romantic and a gentleman when he grows up. And he is tired, too.  

Today, he had to run a race with his mom. He doesn’t have a choice. But if he had a choice, he wouldn’t choose to hang out with me. 

I finished work at around 4 pm. I went in a hurry to pick up my baby from kindergarten. I know that he is hungry and waits for me. I wish I could fly and pick him up when he is hungry. He protests this period – he doesn’t want to eat there. 

We arrived at home and mommy has prepared lunch the day before because she doesn’t want her precious to wait when he is hungry. I was heating the chicken soup while he was waiting impatiently seated in his seat and shouting that he wants pickles. His favorite food. Pickles, olives, green peppers. 

I was in a hurry to bring the food to him, so a little soup spilled on my jeans. I didn’t even have time to scream – and I wanted it because the soup was hot! I put the soup in another bowl and bring it to him, so he can eat, while I change my clothes. We needed to go out as fast as we could. I didn’t have time to eat, I’m in a hurry, and appointments are waiting for me. In just 20 minutes, we both were ready. Fly, I tell myself, fly! It’s 4.45 pm – you’ll be late, there is a rush in the city. But I don’t have a choice – until 5 pm I must be there. 

We arrived at 5.01 pm. Hurry, baby, please hurry up! He understood me, so he hurried. The man at the door says to me that I am late since it is 5.02 pm. “Please, I’m with a child,” I asked him politely. He felt sorry for me, so he let me in. We entered and saw the unkind women. I know I am late, I say to them, I apologize. I just want to give you the documents, so you don’t stop the subvention for kindergarten. We were done in 5 minutes. My baby was at his finest! Then, we went in the car again and I said to him that we only have to go to the doctor’s appointment, and we’ll be done for the day. He is silent. He doesn’t want to go, I know. We drive, sing, I try to entertain him, while my mind is preoccupied with a million thoughts about my obligations. 

We arrived and we needed to wait 20 minutes. I gave him my phone, so he can behave while we wait. It  isn’t his fault that there’s nobody, literally nobody, who can look after him while I ran my errands alone. It was our turn finally and he entered with me. He was sitting, observing, and nothing was clear to him. He was waiting. We finished fast at the doctor’s, and then we went to the laboratory. He squeezes his eyes shut while they were taking blood from mommy. He listened long enough that mommy has headaches, so it was time for mommy to check the reasons for her headaches and to stop living on pills every day.  

We entered the car again. My baby is tired. He is sitting still and waiting for us to leave. I turned off the car and I turned to him. Today he behaved and listen to mommy. “What treat do you want for the courage to run around without your fault?” I am sure that he didn’t understand the last part of the sentence because it was silent. I asked again what would he want – ask for anything! He just said silently that he would want ice cream.

traffic lights

My love! Ask for my heart and I’ll give it to you! You deserve my life and not just ice cream! 

My soul is tearing apart, but at the same time, I am happy, overjoyed, the happiest that I have a well-behaved child who knows to be happy for little things. A child who is modest and wants just ice cream. I stopped at the first pastry shop for ice cream. Coffee for mommy, and ice cream for him. I see happiness in the eyes that shine like stars. I am observing him and melting. Dear God, just keep him safe! 

We packed and at 7 pm, we left for home. Baby fell asleep as soon he settled comfortably in his seat. I’m not in a hurry anymore – I drive slowly and listen to quiet music… I waited for red on the traffic lights, so the driving lasts longer. Nobody is waiting for me at home… Empty home, empty bed. Nobody will ask how my day went. But I have my precious one. I will survive.

traffic lights

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Celebrities who have experienced racism

It is devastating that in 2020 we are witnessing discrimination and even killing of people for the color of their skin. Systemic racism has been catapulted back into the people’s consciousness following the dreadful killings of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor. People all over the world are raising their voices with Black Lives Matter protests.

Some celebrities have experienced racism, too. Read about their situations, and know that you are not alone – we are all fighting against racism. 

In the wake of these cold-hearted murders, many celebrities have finally spoken out and used their social media accounts to send powerful messages about #BlackLivesMatter and demand justice.

So, no matter their ‘celebrity status’, here are the stars that have experienced heartbreaking situations of racial discrimination. 

John Legend

Oscar and Grammy-winning artist opened up about a racist run-in he had experienced together with his wife, the model and cookbook author, Chrissy Teigen, in 2017.

Paparazzi at JFK basically called them monkeys. He felt awful, and he says that black people have dealt with being called monkeys for a long time. He believes that dehumanization has been a method of subjugation and racism of black folks. And, unfortunately, this is not a thing of the past. 

Michelle Obama

Michelle is the first black First Lady of the US. And we must admit that since 2009, she has inspired many people worldwide with her leadership. 

However, after they left the White House in 2017, the author finally opened up about the racial discrimination she received during her husband’s presidency.

Michelle revealed that she people called her an “ape in heels” and that she had a “gorilla face”. These phrases were said by government officials. She was disappointed to learn that even after 8 years of working hard for the country, there are people who will not respect her because of her skin color. 

Barack Obama

Obama made history when he became the first black President of the US. He admitted that even in Hawaii as a kid, he experienced racial discrimination for being a black man.  

When he was 10 years old, a woman didn’t want to share the elevator with him, even though she was going on the same floor as him. Then over time, he has learned that the locks will start going on doors as a black man crosses the street. He believes that people think African-American people are dangerous. And this presumption arises from the cultural and social perceptions that have been served to the people for a long time.

Meghan Markle

In May this year, a video of Markle speaking about her experience with racism reappeared online.

Meghan Markle Reflects on Her Experience With Racism in Resurfaced ...

The video was filmed before her Duchess days in 2012. In the video, she was wearing a t-shirt that said “I won’t stand for racism”, saying that she hoped the world would become more accepting of people in the future. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. 

She is bi-racial, and most people cannot even tell what she is mixed with. So, all the slurs she has heard or the offensive names or jokes, strongly hit her. She even heard someone call her mom the offensive ‘N word’, so she is disappointed by the world, as we all are. 

Serena Williams

She is the best tennis player of this time, but she still has experienced disgusting racial treatment on a few occasions throughout her career.

When she was just 19 years old, she competed at Indian Wells. Serena endured the worst moment of racism in tennis history there. The whole stadium (99% white people) were booing and using racial slurs against her and her family. She won the match against Kim Clijsters, but the world still hasn’t won when it comes to racism. 

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How to be alone: Learning how to enjoy life

I believe there’s nothing harder than being alone. Until yesterday, you have functioned as a team with someone. Okay, at least, I thought we were a team, just us two. But we were actually two plus one. But, never mind. When I came home, I had someone to spend my day with. I had someone to whom I could complain about my bad day, and someone to yell even when he wasn’t guilty about anything. And I was always there for him – whenever he needed me. Well, from this perspective, maybe he wasn’t even listening to me – maybe he was thinking about something or someone else. But, I don’t care anymore.

There’s one good thing when bad things happen to you – God sends the right people into your life, so they can help with your pain. People who will help you carry your pain and put some color in your gray life. Maybe a total stranger will appear in your life that will stay with you until you start to see the sun that shines all the time. You feel like everyone notices the warm sun, except you. But, there is she. She appeared in my life like a snowdrop in early spring. She is my angel, my savior, my support. She is always there next to me, physically and mentally. She is always there for me, and my precious child. She is my closest friend and his aunty T. 

You, who unfortunately have had similar experiences like mine, know that besides your closest relatives, the others are preoccupied with pitying you. They “worry” how you’ll continue with your life, but they don’t even ask you whether you need something. A word, a sentence, a message, a consolation, or a hug would be enough. And when I think of hugs, I immediately regret I didn’t hug T more. I was feeling so good when she welcomed me in my home, with a big smile on her face. She was so happy, you’d think we hit the jackpot! And she just wanted to see me smile, happy, and with my head up. She just wanted me to overcome my problems.

I just wish to hug her again. I miss my T. I miss her every day. When I was the loneliest – I had her.  When I needed nice words – I had her. When I was angry – I had her. Every emotion that I’d express, she’d absorb it like a sponge, at least half of my emotions. Today, I wonder how she managed to do all that stuff. I would never be able to do those things, but she simply could.

The mourning phase lasted shortly, I think. Besides my daily responsibilities, my brain working with light speed worrying about my future, the future of my child, making plans to survive the day and the month, I didn’t feel like doing anything else. Everything I did was encouraged by T. She wanted us to grab cups of coffee together, cook together, go shopping, and eat cookies until we can no more. And one day, while I was driving to the nearest mall, we started to sing loud together in the car. I felt relieved from all the stress, nervousness, dark thoughts, and negative energy. 

The next day was Saturday. We got up at 8 o’clock, got ready, and woke up T. And we went on a road trip. We planned to travel 140 km, but we passed 332 km. We drove, stopped, and we looked at horses, cows, and sheep. We continued our road and had a cup of coffee in one small town, then continued to another, and arrived in a third town. We came back home at 10 pm. My angel and T were tired. I was happy! 

I finally found my therapy – long drive and music. The loudest music and even louder singing! After the wrong verses, there was long laughing with my T. In my sweetie, I saw again the sparkle in his eyes when he was seeing his mommy happy.

We repeated that day every weekend. Every weekend, we would choose a different location, different roads, new challenges, new kilometers, and new memories worth remembering. My sweetie was every time happier and happier when I would tell him: Get ready your bag, we’re going to sing.” We wouldn’t go anywhere without my T. She was my co-driver. She would give me tissues every time a song upset me. She sang together with me when my favorite song started.

I was sad because I was humiliated. But, after a short period, I was happy to be alone. 

The only thing worse than an empty bed is a vacant heart laying in one. 

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When people are afraid of you…

I had a cup of coffee with my friend for the first time since I had parted ways with my partner. I usually meet with my friends in playrooms, quiet cafes, or pastry shops. I choose places with fewer crowds, where I can relax without bothering anyone. Although Baby is a sweet and adorable kid who knows the rules when we aren’t at home, he is just a child, meaning he’s curious about everything!

I told her the news that I am a single mom now from recently, and she listened to me with disbelief, impatiently waiting to ask me how I am. “Great,” I responded to her. She was confused and asked me again, “Tell me, please, how are you?” I gave her the same answer – great. And she knows very well that I don’t act and I am brutally sincere for the world and me. “I feel amazing, why don’t you believe me? I would share with you any emotions associated with the situation, but you can see me – I look beautiful, nice, with a smile on my face, and full of life!” Inside everything is the same.

The lump in the throat I used to live with is gone. I can now breathe freely; I can talk without feeling anxiety inside me. My heart is full of love for Baby and that’s more than enough! Now, I am not just a mother, but I am a mother, lioness, and his whole world. For him, and above all for me, I will fight until my last breath. After everything has happened, I had the option to be as everyone expected me to be – sad and desperate. People still expect some terrible reactions from me. But I chose to be what I am now.

Description: woman spreading arms near body of water

Young girl with a baby. A girl with plans, ideas, and dreams. A girl who desires to experience and try everything unattainable so far for her. Once, when I was thinking that the anger would get to me and I could make some stupid thing, I stopped and went to take a shower with the hottest water possible for more than 40 minutes. I think that my body was burning and my soul was burning even more. The tears flowed faster than the water; my eyes were hurting from the tears.

I got out of the shower and I stood in front of the mirror. Naked person. My soul was naked. I talked with that person in the mirror. I believed in her that he won’t give up and I wanted to hear what she has to tell. The same person had two options – to cry, to grieve, to be furious and disappointed, to be angry and nervous, and end up on sedatives and inability to take care of Baby, or she could sit down and write what she has inside her.

She could see again her qualities, learn to respect herself, and walk in front of everything until she gets to a safe place where she could relax with Baby. I did the same, and I have concluded something – it’s the easiest to decide to stand firmly on your decision when you know who you are, and how much you are worth. 

That lifted me from the disappointment I experienced, and disrespect from the person I least expected. And for the action that made me succumb…for a moment! 

The belief in me, in Baby, in life, and above all in God, that has always protected me, it made me what I am today. I am happy alone, and inside me. 

She just watched me and couldn’t believe my words… “What bravery,” she said silently. “You have so much power, and you’re so strong! I admire you and I envy you. Well done.” 

It isn’t easy to tell these things to people, because after they hear your story, they run away from you as if they are running away from fire! They know subconsciously that when they do me some wrongs, I can live without them. I can easily turn away and continue with my life as if they never were part of it. 

Nobody thinks for his or her actions and if there is a reason to hurt me or whether I deserve. I often forgive, I try even to forget. We are humans, we all make mistakes. But the beauty after the mistake is the art to know how to apologize from your heart and to show that the mistake wasn’t intentional.  

People are afraid of mentally strong women. But they don’t know that their strength comes from being tested by life’s unpredictability. They would be lucky to have such a woman in their lives! These women are prepared for every fight life throws at them!  

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